Politics · Satire
HARRISBURG — Moderators at Thursday's gubernatorial debate learned an old lesson in new ways when a request for a simple yes-or-no answer on the Route 9 bridge toll produced an 11-minute journey through one candidate's childhood, military service, first small business, late father's work ethic, and a parable involving a neighbor's tractor whose relevance scholars are still debating.
The question, posed by veteran anchor Patricia Nunes, was engineered for brevity: 'Will you eliminate the Route 9 toll — yes or no?' Candidate Ed Brubaker gripped the podium, looked into the camera, and said the eight words that veteran debate-watchers know signal a long night: 'Patricia, let me tell you where I'm from.'
What followed, according to a transcript analysis, contained 1,840 words, four generations of Brubakers, two references to 'the values my father hammered into me, sometimes literally,' one extended description of morning fog over a soybean field, and zero instances of the words 'yes,' 'no,' or 'toll.'
Nunes attempted three interventions. The first — 'Sir, the toll' — was absorbed into the narrative and became, briefly, part of it ('Tolls, Patricia, are exactly what my father warned me about'). The second, a firm 'Yes or no,' prompted Brubaker to hold up one finger and say 'I'm getting there,' a claim the record does not support. By the third attempt, Nunes had adopted the tone of a hostage negotiator, speaking slowly and using his first name.
Debate rules technically limited answers to 90 seconds, enforced by a bell. The bell rang seven times during Brubaker's response. By the fourth ring he had incorporated it, pausing to say 'and that bell reminds me of the church back home,' which bought him another 90 seconds and, analysts say, may have been the finest tactical moment of the campaign.
Brubaker's opponent, Lieutenant Governor Maria Castellanos, initially watched with the expression of a woman doing math about her own speaking time. When finally offered a rebuttal, she leaned into her microphone and said 'Yes, I'll eliminate it,' then stopped. The audience, unaccustomed to completed answers, sat in silence for several seconds before erupting — though post-debate polling revealed a significant bloc of viewers found her brevity 'suspicious' and 'like she's hiding something,' with one focus group participant asking, 'Where's she from? We never found out where she's from.'
Communications experts say the autobiography defense remains the most reliable tool in politics. 'A yes creates a promise. A no creates an enemy. A childhood creates a mood,' explained Dr. Simone Adler, who studies political rhetoric. 'And a mood cannot be fact-checked. PolitiFact has never rated a soybean field. There's nothing to rate. That's the genius of it.'
The debate's final question — 'In one word, what does this state mean to you?' — was answered by Brubaker in 340 words. It has been clipped, set to piano music, and released by his campaign as an ad titled 'One Word,' which strategists on both sides grudgingly admit is polling extremely well.
The Route 9 toll, for the record, remains $2.50. Neither campaign could confirm this figure when asked.