Finance · Satire
MELBOURNE, FL — Craig Delmont still remembers the exact moment he achieved financial enlightenment. It was 2:47 p.m. on a Tuesday, the market was down 4%, and Craig — sweating through a shirt that said COOL UNDER PRESSURE — sold every position he owned, including several he did not remember buying and one that turned out to be his wife's 401(k).
The trades settled at what analysts would later identify, with remarkable precision, as the exact bottom of the market. The recovery began eleven minutes later. By Friday, everything Craig sold had regained its value, minus the part where Craig no longer owned any of it.
Most men would have quietly absorbed this lesson. Craig monetized it. Within six weeks he had launched Diamond Mind Capital, an online academy teaching 'the emotional discipline that separates real investors from tourists.' His flagship course, Never Sell Scared, costs $499 and includes a workbook, a guided meditation, and a phone wallpaper of Craig staring at a mountain.
'People ask me what qualifies me to teach discipline,' Craig said, adjusting a microphone that costs more than his remaining portfolio. 'And I tell them: nobody understands panic-selling better than me. I am the world's leading expert in what not to do. I've done all of it. Twice, in one case, because I thought the first time was a fluke.'
His followers appear untroubled by the details. 'Craig gets it,' said subscriber Dana Pruitt, who found him through a video titled I Lost $84,000 So You Don't Have To (Part 3 of 9). 'Other finance guys pretend they've never made a mistake. Craig's entire personality is a mistake. It's refreshing.'
Academic experts are more cautious. 'There is a real phenomenon where the person who touched the stove becomes the fire-safety instructor,' said Dr. Elaine Osei, a behavioral economist who has studied financial influencers. 'The problem is that Craig's course does not teach people not to touch the stove. It teaches them to subscribe to a newsletter about the stove.'
Craig's actual returns since founding Diamond Mind Capital remain undisclosed, though sharp-eyed viewers noticed that in a recent video, his brokerage app briefly showed a portfolio consisting of one index fund and 4,100 shares of a beverage company that no longer exists.
Asked what he would do if the market crashed again tomorrow, Craig didn't hesitate. 'Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have trained for this. I have meditated on this. I would sit on my hands and breathe.' He paused. 'Although honestly, if it dropped more than 3%, I'd probably want to at least look at the sell button. Just to know it's there. As a comfort thing.'
At press time, Craig had sold everything again.