Defense · Satire
FORT WORTH, TX — Defense contractor Vantage Aerodyne unveiled the F-77 Umbra on Monday, a sixth-generation stealth fighter so sophisticated that its capabilities are classified beyond the clearance of the people operating it, a milestone the company calls 'total information dominance, including over ourselves.'
'The Umbra represents a fundamental leap,' said program director General (Ret.) Hal Brockman at the unveiling, standing before a hangar containing either the aircraft or a very expensive tarp shaped like one; attendees were not cleared to know which. 'Previous fighters could evade enemy radar. The Umbra evades comprehension itself. Adversaries cannot counter what they cannot understand, and we have extended that principle to everyone.'
Test pilot Major Danielle 'Syntax' Okafor, one of four humans authorized to fly the aircraft, described the experience as 'humbling.' 'There are 34 buttons in that cockpit I am not cleared to press,' she said. 'I am not cleared to know what happens if I press them. Last month I asked what the large amber one does, and two men I have never seen before appeared at my house to thank me for my curiosity and log it.'
The Umbra program, now in its 19th year and $600 billion over a budget that is itself classified, has produced what the contractor describes as 'at least several' aircraft. The exact number is protected information, though analysts examining public budget documents estimate it at somewhere between three and a number that would end careers.
The program's secrecy has produced logistical marvels. Maintenance crews service the aircraft through a system of sealed compartments, each accessible to a different technician who is forbidden from describing what he saw to the others. 'I do my panel,' said one crew chief. 'I don't ask about the other panels. Once, through an open access hatch, I saw a component I can only describe as angry. I reported it. I was told there is no hatch.'
Congressional oversight has proven challenging. At a closed hearing in March, lawmakers reportedly spent two hours reviewing the Umbra's capabilities before an aide discovered they had been briefed on the wrong aircraft — a decoy briefing prepared specifically for Congress, which Vantage Aerodyne later confirmed was itself a deliberate capability of the program, and possibly its main one.
Defenders of the program point to its unmatched deterrent effect. 'No adversary has ever engaged the F-77 in combat,' Brockman noted. 'Draw your own conclusions.' Critics note that no adversary has ever located the F-77, its mission, or a photograph of it in flight, and that the same deterrent record is held by the Loch Ness Monster at a significantly lower unit cost.
Asked the fighter's top speed, Brockman smiled and said, 'Yes.' Asked its range, he said, 'Substantially.' Asked whether the program had, at any point, lost an aircraft, he concluded the press conference by activating what appeared to be a smoke machine, though officials later clarified that the smoke was classified and had not occurred.
The Umbra is expected to reach full operational capability within five years, a projection the program has maintained continuously since 2011.